Ok, so I’ve figured a few things out over the years. It takes knowledge, interest, effort and sometimes hard work, in order to create for yourself what you want out of life. I’ve been through all kinds of ups and downs just like everyone else in this world. One thing I have in my favor is the above list of attributes that make me WANT to create my good life. It works! I enjoy bringing others along, too. You probably have some of the same attributes I listed above, and maybe you’ve been able to create some of the happiness for yourself that I’ve been able to create for myself. If so, or if not, I hope these few tidbits help you move along.
Be a DOER. It’s the one action that turns a person’s insides from down to up, from heavy to light, from victim to powerful, from stuck to moving forward, ultimately…..from sad to happy. This is one of Dr. Phil’s finest. We all have a choice in this regard, but so many of us just don’t know it. “DO what?” you ask. You realize, we CHOOSE to go running around feeling heavy inside. We make the CHOICE to feel hurt or offended on the inside, we CHOOSE to remain static in an unfulfilling place, we CHOOSE to neverendingly repeat the actions that keep us in an unhappy spot rather than making a CHOICE to put our positive efforts into creating ideas of positive action that will release the bad and bring in the good.
You’re In Charge. We’re all a participant in what happens to us, right? You realize you contribute to your own happiness or sadness, right? If so, then if things aren’t going the way you’d like, do something different. Don’t just sit there and be a stewer, be a DOER, and find NEW things to DO that’ll get you where you want to be.
Breaking the Habit. There are so many different types of DOING that can create a better circumstance for ourselves. This post will deal with only one. Break the habit of being hurt by other people’s words, written or spoken. Do something different to not allow emotional hurt “seemingly” inflicted on us by other people. If we can begin to conquer this, then we can set ourselves up for future success of creating our own happiness through well planned action.
Sticks and Stones. Other people’s negative words mean nothing……or do they? Why do we let someone’s negative judgements or hurtful words about us define who we are? Who made them the official judge of us? Aren’t WE in charge of defining who we are? For example, if someone tells you that you’re just a very selfish person because you don’t have your priorities in line, who says they’re right? Who put them in charge of defining your priorities. Who cares what they say? Maybe they just have different priorities than you. Why isn’t that allowed? Well, it is. So you can just CHOOSE to say to yourself, “I like my priorities. My priorities work for me, they work for the greater good of myself, my family, etc.” Aren’t YOU in charge of defining you? Who cares what negative things other people say to you. Let me offer some different choices that may help begin to move toward this type of mindset if you’re not already there……
New DOER Choices to Break the Reaction Habit:
1. Be a screen door. Visualize yourself as a screen door. Every time someone makes a negative judgement, uses angry words, or even screams at you, imagine their words coming toward you and passing through you like they’re wind blowing through a screen door. (Even if they’re coming toward you from a computer screen.) It’s helpful when practicing this to put your mind’s attention into your breath instead of into the negative words. CHOOSE to let the negative words pass right through you without attention to them. After they pass through you, focus on 1 more nice breath, then move forward. Change the subject. Let it go. Don’t take negative words in and own them. They’re gone. Commit to practicing this at least 5 times to see what it feels like before you make a judgement of wether it works or not. The first couple of times are hard and sometimes aren’t so successful, but stick with it, keep practicing. Before long you’ll have the hang of letting what you don’t want go right through you and you’ll come closer to becoming an unoffendable type of person. Who needs offense? Your inner steady power will become strong.
2. Practice non-reaction. When someone says something to you that you feel is mean or hurtful, Do nothing. Look them straight in the eye (I like to have the hintiest of a smile in my eyes) and be still for 6 seconds. Let it kind of go into you and right back out. It’ll go right back to them. It’s actually kind of funny to watch what happens. There’s more power in your silence than you’d initially think. Then change the subject. It’s the I’m rubber you’re glue thing. If you have a reaction to them, then you accept and own the hurt or just contribute to a worse situation if you throw stones back. It’ll turn into a never ending cycle. If you have no reaction, then the hurtful stuff goes right back to them because you didn’t do anything with it….it bounced right off of you and went back to them. After the 6 seconds pass, change the subject. Do not hold onto it. Let it go. They might get angry the first few times you don’t play and they’ll try to create more in order to make you play, but just ignore it. Be steady and don’t react. Again, putting your mind’s attention on your breath going in and out of your lungs can help you not mentally grab onto whatever is being thrown at you. They’ll get sick of not having someone to play with and they’ll quit playing. This goes for friends, co-workers, bosses, husbands…..everyone. Try it, You’ll Like it. It’s hard, but practice this 5 times and then see what it feels like by the 5th time you try it. It’s actually fun to see what happens to the stone thrower. It’s funny actually. They get so upset and frustrated when you don’t buy into it before they eventually give up altogether.
3. Insist on a positive request rather than a negative complaint or judgement. We’ve all heard it…”Why can’t you keep the closets clean” or “There’s never any good food in this house” or “You don’t do anything around here, I have to do it all”. If someone is complaining to you about you, tell them to ask you politely for what they want. It might sound like this…… maybe say these exact words (done with the same tiniest hint of a loving smile in your eyes.) “It sounds like you need something from me, can you please ask me politely for what you want, and I’ll be happy to consider it.” Understand that they have their own habit of complaining to you, so they’ll need a little help from you to change that habit. They’ll probably respond with the same complaint because they don’t know how to do anything different, so you’ll need to very happily, gently, softly, lovingly make the request again in the same exact words so they can better hear you. Maybe you can model the beginning of their reply for them and say it out loud. Your modeled reply might sound like this……” (Insert your name) _____, I would like it very much if you could please…..”. You realize that you can’t yell or criticize back because yelling and criticizing begets more yelling and criticizing…..you know that, right? If you give something out-of-the-usual out, you’ll get something out-of-the-usual-back. Choose Positive.
An Extra SharkCut Staci Life Gem For the Road: You get what you give. Give out love, happiness, kindness, respect, tenderness, balance, healthy boundries, reasonable demands and nice deeds. You’ll soften those around you and they’ll want to give back.
TIP: It’s hard to keep your wits about you in order to do these things. I know, I’ve been there. I still can’t keep my wits sometimes. Self awareness is your helper. When the opportunity arises for real-life practice, notice it, give it the few seconds of attention that it deserves in order to get your wits about you. Then be a DOER so you won’t end up a stewer.
Creative ways to Practice. Go running. On your run, daydream yourself into practicing one of these steps in your mind. Use your mind in a positive way to daydream up a scenario for you to mentally implement these action steps. It’s almost like you’ve lived it out with a positive outcome, so when you do it for real it won’t be the first time you’ve done it. A Brilliant idea. If you’re not a runner, notice when your mind is quiet….in the shower, when driving, cleaning, etc., and use this time to create a positive new interaction for yourself.
Next Step: When you accomplish the goal of breaking your reaction habit, look for future DOER posts to Create Your Happiness. Best, Staci